Category Archives: spirituality

the dark spaces.

sometimes when we fall too hard, too fast, our surroundings become blurry.

and the only place that makes sense is the darkness. so we hide there. we rock ourselves until the darkness takes over our soul. it is frightening and dismal and consuming. but sometimes we need the dark. we need to lose control, to become so lost that we feel we may never find our way out of the hell.

in the dark, we find out just how much we can take. we test our Selves, our souls until we feel like we deserve the light.

of course, we always deserve it.

but we cannot accept that truth until we are satisfied with our misery, until we know that the dark is not a place we wish to reside.

and sometimes we stay there too long.

and we wonder if we’ve become too accustomed to the blackness to love the light again.

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Filed under journey, spirituality

crossroads in a clear-cut path.

i was in a work meeting today.

a long work meeting.

one of those work meetings that seem as though it will drag on into the depths of infinity.

people were talking, discussing, lingering, deducing.

and i thought, at one point, i would have to excuse myself to puke. because all i could feel was the spinning.

i could see mouths move, but i couldn’t keep up. my eyes flitted from face to face in desperation. i lifted outside of my body and attempted to slow everything to a tolerable level. but it didn’t work. i tried to breathe deeply and focus on anything else. but it didn’t work.

i was surrounded by people who were invested in things, in projects, in energy that i couldn’t create space for. i could make out a few sentences here, a few words and phrases there. but mostly i just tried to stop the spinning.

the world was moving too fast for me. it was bombarding me with things that i didn’t want to hear or see or be a part of. i was an alien on my own planet.

and i just wanted a slow-down.

it filled me with both frustration and joy.

joy, because these things were not my things. these things were not the occupation of my mind, my heart.

projects, assignments, duties.

i didn’t want these things invading my life.

and it just made me realize that i have so much further to go on this path.

and that, to get there, i must clear my mind and start over.

just me and myself.

slowing down.

becoming acquainted.

on solid ground and with firm footing.

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Filed under attitude, journey, Shivaya, spirituality

in memoriam: a dream.

once upon a great while, a silver cloud crosses a great mountain overlooking the sea above a city surrounding a town. the city and town are darkened – a shadow is cast over all life. and the sounds are only silent.

as the cloud forms from magic, its atoms pitch and roll inside its sphere and crash into each other until electricity explodes from its billowy shell. and it tumbles across the sky with new-found purpose.

the earth trembles at the force of the magical cloud. the mountain can feel the inevitable approach, but the souls in the city, in the town, below have never seen or heard such creation and cannot even begin to think of the wonder being produced above their heads. and their lives move forward — untouched, uninspired.

the cloud continues on its path toward its destination: the mountaintop before it. they seek each other as if magnetized. their impending fate powers ever-forward, the crashing and booming becomes louder and pulls the air into a swirling chaotic wind. the townspeople remain melancholy as the wind whips their hair, their clothes, their possessions, into a frenzy – into a masterpiece of life.

all eyes and mouths sag tirelessly. their focus: the ground.

and then, announced yet unannounced, the silky, billowy layers of the cloud begin to collide with the great mountain and it rips slowly; the atoms inside frantically awaiting the moment they are unleashed. the crashes become louder, consuming all thought and, as the mountain quakes with joy, lightning pours from the cloud. the light reaches beyond the realm of sight. and, as quickly as it comes, the sound dissipates. the cloud becomes empty and soft – and sweet rain descends to the earth.

all at once, the barren soils of the town, of the city, bloom into a lush forest. life resumes, but its pace is slower, more thoughtful. light replaces darkness. mouths curve into peaceful smiles. eyes greet eyes. hands touch hands. there is music. and hope.

the mountain and the cloud and the townspeople remain unchanged yet forever changed.

hearts beat stronger, voices lift spirits, all eyes look upward. their focus: the sky.

once upon a great, great while, there is love…

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Filed under fiction, spirituality, togetherness

in the company of things.

free your mind. let desire, resentment and darkness go.
just let them go.  ~hanmaum seonwon

sometimes everything feels so haphazard.

but maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be — this life.

if it were perfect, it would be real and lasting, it would be divine, it would be transcendent.

and life is just not those things.

i’ve made my peace with that, yet i find myself lost in the paradox.

because, though it’s difficult to remember to focus my heart-truth on the divine, some days i feel it easily — as if it never left me — and it puts me at ease. i am cradled in its current.

other days, it is as though i’m clinging to the steep walls of a ghostly chasm — i cannot climb up, as i have no ounce of strength, but neither can i bear to let go and allow the unknown to envelop me.

the days i feel divinity are the days i am surrounded by primordial souls. by trees, by stars, by winds, by sun, by creatures. i feel a like-mindedness, as though we are friends on the same path, breathing in unison. there is a kindred energy as they acknowledge me, accompany me, pray with and for me.

in this space, i am accepted, and i am loved.

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frown, upside-down.

i’ve made a lot of promises in this life.

i promised my sisters that i would always protect them.

i promised my mom i’d abstain from sex until i was married.

i promised my high school boyfriend that my mom wouldn’t find out.

i promised both of my ex-husbands that i’d love them forever.

i promised myself… well, i just promised that i would find my purpose in this world.

and maybe i haven’t made good on all of my promises. maybe i have totally fucking renegged on each and every one.

except that last one.

i still have hope for that last one.

because for the first time in my life, i’m not trying to please everyone. (there’s absolutely no way i can please everyone, i’ve learned – mainly through broken promises.)

some would (and do) call that selfish.

but, after we’ve run this race, after we’ve stamped out our path and the dust finally settles, there is one person we must face. only one person we cannot lie to.

the Hindu believe in the power of self-knowing; they believe that the knowledge of the True Self (Atma) reduces all karma to ashes. ignorance of our True Self dooms us to the never-ending cycle of birth-death-rebirth and to the inferiority of life. but knowledge of the Atma purifies us and leads us to divinity.

i’ve been setting my sights too low. i’ve been looking everywhere – in books, in relationships, in actions – to no avail. i’ve been looking outward, around, up, down, through.

when i should’ve been looking within, inside.

i’m (re)starting there.

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Filed under Hinduism, journey, Shivaya, spirituality