this is my first post of 2010.
and i’ve prepared for it, appropriately, by reading through my archives dating back to the beginning of this blog in september, 2009.
i feel as though i’ve been trying to tell myself so many things. about myself. my life. my work. my relationships. my passion.
i’ve been openly embracing what i’ve learned about myself, not just since i began writing here, but also in the five months leading up to that time.
today, as i was reading through, i realized just how far i’ve come (metaphorically and realistically) since my first post. even in four short months, life can change so drastically, so unexpectedly. and i am at a good place.
my loneliness has become an opportunity for me to speak with myself, to understand who i am, what i want and when and how and why. all of the answers to my questions are slowly becoming available. every time i do something for me, i get to know me on another level, i can hear the clicking and unlocking of a long-closed door.
there have been many doors creaking open in my life recently. where once i could only tell you what others thought of me, i can now tell you what i think of me. it is refreshing, liberating and wildly overdue.
i am learning that i can only be who i am. and who i am is perfectly flawed.
my goals and dreams are not exorbitant. but my expectations to stretch and create while also maintaining the “me” are resolute, steadfast, impenetrable. that’s me. that’s that.
i dislike when people say they feel “lucky.” i don’t really believe in luck – good or bad. but i do believe that we all have the ability to manifest (most times, subconsciously) the roads we travel and the stops we make along the way. and we most certainly choose our attitude. of all the things in life i am thankful for, it is that i’ve surrounded myself with positivity. even when negativity tried to pry its way in, i addressed it, turned it back around and kicked its ass out the door.
i don’t need it. because i’m discovering, slowly and benevolently, that i am everything i will ever need.
and life itself is just a bonus.