a lesson in numbers.

i have $190 in my bank account.

i have a credit card that is almost maxed out at $4,000.

i have $16,000 in cumulative student loan debt.

no savings. no house. no assets. no financial plan.

i am, by today’s standards, a non-existence.

a prime example of how to do it wrong.

because, in today’s world, you have to have stuff, and you have to get it the right way. and it has to be the stuff that everyone else has. or better yet, the stuff that no one else has.

i’ve been bogged down in stuff: i am reminded everyday of the tv i don’t have, or the family i don’t have, or the house i need or the car i should be driving, or the job i should strive for relative to my age.

but the truth is, all of those things can come and go; they can be taken away. money can be spent, houses and jobs can be lost, families can leave.

and the fact that i can’t keep up sometimes makes me jealous and angry and sad. mainly because i am human, surrounded by a human world propagated by human emotions and desires.

it all sounds very complex.

when it’s actually quite simple.

striving for these things doesn’t make us less admirable or less deserving. it’s only when we allow the stuff to control our happiness that we’ve made a wrong turn. when we wake up in the morning and our first thought is of something that may or may not be here tomorrow, we’ve lost the magnificence of life.

this morning, i had plans for my day. and those plans made me happy. they made me pop up out of bed, eager to start the day. and, as quick as it came, my mood spiraled when i was made to feel inadequate about my choices and my current financial position.

and then i cursed my own sensitivities. why was i letting this affect me?

i had no answer.

other than my mind started off on the wrong foot.

i set my focus on the wrong things.

i made a mistake in thought.

because, in the vastness that is life, my bank account is not representative of me.

i am not $190.

or $4,000 in credit card debt.

or $16,000 in student loans.

i am not houseless, spouseless, stuffless.

i am hope and passion and gratefulness and love.

and knowing that i am not alone in that truth is the focus i need.

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5 Comments

Filed under attitude, journey, togetherness

5 responses to “a lesson in numbers.

  1. i started stalking you a bit ago, and tonight i read this entry. it made me feel like you were in my mind not too long ago. keeping up was getting me down and it pissed me off that i cared so much. i stopped, caring so much, and started living and loving a lot harder. it’s awesome.

  2. I feel the same way. I have no “assets” except maybe my car (which is a POS). I don’t have a ton of debt but I don’t own a house or expensive things. No husband, no kids. I do have 4 cats – so that’s something I guess.

    • tootie

      Hooray for cats!! 😀

      Seriously, though. Stuff is just stuff. None of it is lasting. It sounds like we both need to work on our frame of mine. We both have a lot to offer this world. ❤

      Love you, sister!

  3. My cool awesome hair-challenged friend. The debt sucks. But it could always be worse. Trust me. I’d love to have your debt right now 😉 But got to focus on the smiley happy things. Friends, Sun, Tacos, Roller Derby, Friends… and Friends.

    • tootie

      For sure! I’m trying. I’m working on it. It is an epic battle I intend to win. And my friends will play a HUGE part in getting me on the right track so I can finally be happy with myself. Thank you!

      ❤

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