i haven’t written in 10 days.
it seems that i have been letting life’s ennui drain my energy and my focus.
now i’m preparing to celebrate another family holiday as “newly separated, potentially crazy, sad and lonely girl.”
(not my choice of words.)
thing is, i don’t feel crazy or sad or lonely. sometimes, lonely. but not as such an overwhelming adjective.
but my family has a tendency to treat me as such.
they walk on eggshells around me.
and, at the mere mention of the words “divorce” or “marriage” or “husband,” i watch in amazement as eyes dart around the room with the hope that the words are lost in a paranormal shift.
or drowned in the silence that follow them.
and i’m left wondering what the fuss is about. why the need for discretion?
as if i am unaware of what is unfolding in my world.
i try to step back and look at it from their perspective. they are concerned because they are full of love for me and want me to be happy.
to them i am, as they say, fragile. (not to be confused with weak.)
perhaps they are unsure how to handle fragile. maybe fragile makes them uncomfortable. or scared.
but the world is full of fragile. i’m not alone in that regard.
and if i could tell them anything it would be that fragile is just a fact of life. it’s not more or less meaningful when it happens to me than when it happens to anyone or anything else.
even fragile has its place, and any efforts to control its causes or consequences are even more futile than attempts to prevent the spin of the earth.
or maybe that’s what i need to tell myself.
after all, i haven’t written in 10 days.